The Top 10 Things That Suck About Losing 100 Pounds
by Paul Holmes
10. I can’t make self-deprecating fat jokes anymore.
Before it was funny. If I do it now, people just think I’m being mean to fat people. There goes half my comedy routine!
9. Everybody still gives you advice on losing weight.
OK, let’s be clear, I appreciate the encouragement. But, honestly, I think I know what I’m doing now. I’ve lost 100 pounds for crying out loud! It’s like telling a Boeing scientist how to build a paper airplane. I really, really appreciate the support, but you can now safely leave the details to the expert!
8. Your clothing bill went through the roof!
My waist went from size 54 to 38. That’s alot of pants, and alot of belt notches. I tried to economize, but if you are size 44, size 54 pants just don’t work. And, besides socks, there are few things you can wear the same. Even your shoe size will probably change (mine did).
7. Your stomach is gone, and it was so soft!
It was nice to sleep on a soft stomach every night. Now I sleep with a soft pillow where my stomach used to be, or I steal one of my son’s soft stuffed animals. With the exception of needing a substitute-belly, however, sleeping is much better than it was 100 pounds ago.
6. People you know don’t recognize you.
Even people you knew for a long, long time. Interestingly, it’s just adults. All the kids you knew before don’t realize much has happened at all. What does this say about societal perceptions and stereotyping, Sigfried. (Although one friend’s daughter, bless her heart, thought I looked a little taller than before.)
5. Being fat is no longer an excuse for being lazy.
This might sound odd, but when you are fat, you can tell people you are incapable of doing things like helping people move, or build an addition on their house, or whatever. Chance are that you probably aren’t that useful anyway, or that they won’t ask. But either way, you can be lazy and nobody questions it. Now that you are slim and trim: get to work, sucker! (For pre-existing thinnies, it’s the equivalent of buying a truck when you live in the city.)
4. People introduce you as their friend that just lost 100 pounds.
You’re like a circus freak (I suspect this is temporary). The poor “new” people you meet have to try to imagine you as this hideous monster that was 100 pounds heavier than now. I alleviate this one by telling people I do other tricks, too, like balancing a hockey stick on my nose.
3. You are more hairy.
You might be asking yourself — what the hell is this guy talking about. But it’s true, and I will explain (ladies, ignore this item). Is it the good, healthy food you are eating that is promoting hair growth? 8 cups of water a day acting like it does with your houseplants? No. As your skin contracts around less fat and a smaller body, the hair follicles move closer together. Thus the new, smaller you, now appears to be “the new, hairier you,” as well.
2. Swimming is harder.
Fat floats; muscle sinks. I never used to sink. Now that’s all I do. Fortunately I can hold my breath longer now, while I drag my heavy frame along the bottom of the pool to the shallow end.
1. It’s colder.
Alot colder. And all the time! OK, now that it’s summer time, and when it’s a really hot day, I feel just about right. Any other times, I feel like I’m in the middle of the arctic. I went camping on June 30th and wore 3 shirts, long johns, pants, 2 pairs of socks, two jackets, and a sleeping bag, and still froze my ass off (which is not a recommended weight loss technique).
The Bonus Item:
The “Fat Pill” is just around the corner.
Now that I’ve struggled along for 9 months trying desperately to lose a pound or two a week, some evil genius is going to finally invent the “fat melting pill”. It’ll be as simple as one pill a day, eat all you want, no need to exercise, no side effects. Bastard! Whoever you are, I hate you already!
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